Make Your Relationship a Zero-Negativity Zone
/I remember it all these decades later: The worn-out, tobacco-smelling olive green jacket that my Dad wore around town like a second bathrobe, that my Mom made no secret of loathing. Dad would wear it everywhere: the putting green, the office, even out to dinner. Ironically, I also now have my own version of the olive green jacket, and my husband, displaying much more subtlety (and compassion) than my mother, will periodically ask, “Maybe it’s time to go to the North Face Outlet and see if you can update that old purple jacket.”
It’s commonly believed that criticism is a constructive process—one member of a relationship feels that by making seemingly innocuous “suggestions” for how their partner might improve, they’re merely helping them be their best self. In fact, the culture of self-improvement is so normalized that these hints are rarely seen for what they are—negativity, pure and simple.
“Hurtful words in a relationship can be like a drop of red dye in a glass of water that turns the whole glass pink,” writes Harville Hendrix, the co-creator of Imago Relationship Therapy. “What starts out as a slip of the tongue, a small slight from one person to another, sets a process in motion that slowly (or quickly) permeates a relationship and begins to define its tone.”
Criticism doesn’t have to be verbal. It can be a suggestion of self-improvement, as in the examples above. It can also be a touch; a glare; an eye roll; or a deep breath, meant to convey annoyance. However it comes out, make no mistake: It’s harmful for the relationship. And keep in mind, it doesn’t matter if you had “good intentions.” If your partner experiences your words, behavior or body language as negative, don’t argue with their perception. Work to repair the connection quickly, and let go of the instinct to defend yourself.
We’re trained from an evolutionary perspective to perceive threat, and put-downs are registered in the brain as “threat,” which activates our limbic system—the reptilian part of the brain which responds to danger with the “fight, flight or freeze” response. So it makes sense that the criticized person’s response to their partner will take one of three forms: they may fight back with a barb of their own; avoid their partner; or “play dead” by becoming submissive and trying to please.
Research by Dr. John Gottman, Ph.D. shows that healthy relationships are characterized by a five to one ratio of positive to negative interactions. Imago Relationship Therapy takes it a step further, and advocates making the relationship a space of “zero negativity.” In my office, I teach a fun yet formalized process for making this practice a daily way of life, and I’ve seen great success with couples who stick with it. Here are some guidelines to get you started:
If you experience negativity, say, “ouch.” (Or whatever word you agree on that signals you hear or feel negativity.) Now, it’s time to repair and reconnect using ONE of the following ways:
Be curious rather than negative. Ask for a dialogue to learn what produced the “ouch.” Was it a word, tone of voice, look in the eye, gesture?
Ask your partner to say what they said in a way that doesn’t feel so negative to you. You can model it for them.
Take a time out. Ask for a “do-over.” You can simply start over and redo the interaction.
Have a dialogue with your partner about what repairs an “ouch” for each of you. It can include apologies, laughing, a back rub, dancing with each other…be creative!