Are You A Maximizer (Tiger) or a Minimizer (Turtle)?
/In my years of practice as a couples’ counselor, I’ve seen one consistent way in which the cliché “opposites attract” is true. In every single couple I’ve worked with, each partner has a different way of responding during stress or conflict. Either they “maximize” and enlarge their energy, or they “minimize” and implode their energy inward, withdrawing. We call these personality types the “maximizers” or “tigers” and the “minimizers” or “turtles,” respectively. (In case you’re wondering, I’m a tiger and my husband is a turtle.)
In the relationship, the maximizer is the pursuer, the partner who initiates emotional connection, the one who always wants to talk about things; while the minimizer is the withdrawer, the partner who needs space and tends to keep their feelings contained. And when they come to my office, often the maximizer is the one who initiates therapy, the “dragger,” while the minimizer is the one who may show up somewhat reluctantly, as the “draggee.”
These personality types are really two expressions of how we learned to adapt to stress. In the primitive part of our brain, we confuse psychological distress with physical survival. This then triggers our fight or flight mechanism. As a rule, partners tend to complement each other and one tends to fight (maximizer), while the other tends to flee (minimizer).
Why is learning this important? First of all, it helps to understand that these are unconscious defense mechanisms, meaning they are deeply ingrained behaviors. In other words, your partner isn’t hiding in the bedroom after an argument just to piss you off, but because their reptilian brain literally feels under threat, and it is taking their nervous system time to settle down. When I learned about these behavior patterns, it greatly increased my understanding of (and empathy for) my partner. Truth be told, learning all of this helped me to legitimize the “turtle” role as just different—not less engaged in the relationship, as I had wanted to see it. Now, when my husband is feeling stressed by work and needs to withdraw for a spell at home, he will tell me he needs some “Turtle Time,” and it’s become a code word of understanding and compassion.
If we want a contented, more conscious relationship, we all have to learn to accommodate these differences, and learn to compromise by meeting in the middle.
Here is a list with the qualities of each type. Which seems to describe your experience of yourself in relationships?
Maximizers:
Lets feelings out
Exaggerates feelings
Mostly exaggerates their needs
Thrives on sharing as much as possible
Tends towards excessive generosity
Outer-directed, asks direction from others
Thinks mainly of others
Alternates between aggressiveness and passivity
Minimizers:
Keeps feelings in
Diminishes feelings
Mostly denies their needs
Shares little of inner world
Tends to withhold feelings, thoughts, behaviors
Inner-directed; takes direction mostly from themselves
Thinks mainly about themselves
Alternates between passive-aggressive and dominant/controlling